What If Agency Is What God Wants for Me?
There’s a word that’s been sitting heavy on my heart lately: agency.
It’s not a word we hear often in church pews or grief groups. And honestly, it’s a word that has felt foreign to me since Blaine died. The idea that I have agency—the power to act, to choose, to decide—feels like a betrayal of the life I once had. Of the love we shared. Of the future we were building.
Because here’s the truth: I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose widowhood. I didn’t want this reality. I don’t like it. But I have no choice but to live it. To walk this road, one step at a time, in shoes I never wanted to wear.
And yet—I’ve been wondering: what if agency isn’t abandonment?
What if it’s not about “moving on,” but about moving with—with the grief, with the love, with the memory, with the Spirit of God guiding me forward?
What if agency is becoming?
The Tension of Agency and Grief
Agency is defined as the capacity to act independently and make your own choices. It sounds empowering, doesn’t it? And in most contexts, it is. But in grief, agency can feel like a betrayal. Like stepping forward somehow means you’re glad your person is gone. Like if you build a new life, you’re erasing the old one.
But grief and agency are not at odds. They are companions in the wilderness.
Agency is not the enemy of memory. It’s not an eraser of love. It’s not a sign you’ve “healed” in the way people expect. No, agency is simply this: a willingness to keep walking with God, even when you don’t like the path you’re on.
The Christian Lens of Agency
As followers of Christ, we talk a lot about surrender, but sometimes we forget that surrender and agency are not opposites. In fact, they’re often beautifully intertwined.
God has always invited His people to participate—to step in, to follow, to lead, to trust. From Moses at the burning bush to Mary saying yes to carrying the Christ child, God’s story is one of divine partnership. He doesn’t force us. He invites us.
Agency, in the Christian life, is not self-made striving—it’s Spirit-led stepping.
It’s saying, “Here I am, Lord. This isn’t what I would have chosen, but if You’re in it, I’ll keep going.”
And that, dear widow, is not selfish. It’s not disloyal. It’s not abandonment of your past. It’s obedience. It’s trust. It’s becoming.
Agency in the Messy Middle
For me, embracing agency has looked like rebuilding my rhythms. Launching WidowRISE. Hosting girls’ nights with my grandsons’ laughter echoing through the house. Letting myself dream again—timidly at first, but now with just a hint of boldness.
It has meant redefining purpose in a life where the old purpose was taken from me too soon.
It has meant showing up to my own story, even when I wanted to disappear into the pages of someone else’s.
And most of all, it has meant asking the question: What if God still has good for me? What if stepping into my agency is actually stepping into the next chapter of His calling on my life?
The Invitation
If you’re reading this in the messy middle—where tears still sneak up during work Zoom calls and anniversaries feel like landmines—I want to say this gently but clearly:
You still have agency.
Not because you asked for this life. Not because you feel strong or ready or brave. But because God’s Spirit still breathes in you. His calling didn’t end with your husband’s last breath.
Your identity is not widow. That’s your reality, not your definition. Your identity is daughter. Image-bearer. RISE-ing woman of purpose and hope.
Agency doesn’t mean pretending you’re okay. It means showing up, because God is still writing your story.
So today, maybe the most radical, holy thing you can do is whisper, “Okay, God. I’m still here. Let’s take the next step.”
Because what if agency isn’t abandonment?
What if it’s worship?
What if it’s becoming?
What if—it’s exactly what God wants for you?